Only on Loan

I'm sorry I've been MIA online for so long.  I just got back to India from my visa break in the States and I really needed to use that month away to be refreshed and spend time with family and friends.  As much as I love keeping you all updated, sometimes I just need a break from posting updates, writing blogs, and sending out emails.  I love the purpose those things serve but keeping it all up to date can be draining for me.  I had a wonderful and restful month away though and have had 3 days to get settled here so I'm ready to get back into it!

I was going to spend this post talking about how great my time back in California was and the amazing ways God used my friends and family to bless and fill me.  I was also going to go on a rant about Father's Day and how much it breaks my heart that my kids don't have a father figure in their lives.  I had even started to draft that post this morning.

Now those things are very true and I would have loved to write about them.  But then something happened this afternoon and now there is only one thing I can write about.

That thing is a someone.

And that someone is Cedar.

This afternoon I was sitting with Cedar in our little sensory/reading room.  We were just reading books and doing activities together like we do every day.  He put the last ring on the ring stacking toy and I cheered for him and pulled him into my lap for a hug.  He wrapped his arms around my neck and gave me a giant squeeze accompanied by a giggle.

Then it hit me.

All the emotions of the past month came over me like a wave and big tears started rolling down my cheeks.  I held my boy closer and told him how much I had missed him and how much I love him.  We sat there for long time and even though he couldn't say it, I knew that he had missed me too.

Leaving my kids for a month is always hard.  Leaving Cedar is even harder and every time it gets worse.  Cedar hasn't attached to anyone else in our home except me and consequently has a very tough time emotionally when I'm away.  He also takes a long time to get to know and won't listen to anyone but Nikki and me.  Nikki has way too much on her plate when I'm away to give him the time I typically do and while we have wonderful short term volunteers here to work with him, those challenges make it inevitable that he will see some decline in the time I'm away.

When I was working with Cedar yesterday all I could think about was the progress he had lost in the past month and it made me feel guilty.

Today I saw how far he has come in the past year and a half and it made me grateful.  Grateful that God brought Cedar into my life, grateful for the work He has done in Cedar, grateful for the progress Cedar has made, and grateful that God chose to use me to play a small part in it all.

On top of all that though, God reminded me of something that is very hard for me to accept and swallow.  He reminded me that Cedar doesn't need me.  Cedar needs Him.  I am not and will never be in any capacity Cedar's savior.  He is Cedar's Savior.  He loves Cedar more than I ever could and ever will.  He loved and cared for Cedar before I came and will continue to love and care for him after I am gone.  If He hadn't called me to come here and show His love to Cedar, He would have called someone else.  He doesn't need me, but is allowing me to be a part of His plan for Cedar.

And here's the part that I can't quite handle...

Cedar could get adopted.  I pray every day that he will get adopted by a loving, godly family who will care for him always.  It is my greatest desire for him but sometimes I think I forget what that would mean for me.

Or God could call me on to something else.  And if He did, He would still take care of Cedar.  He would bring someone into Cedar's life who would love and care for him in my absence.  And that person could love and care for Cedar better than I do.

Now let me tell you, that thought just about kills me.  But I think it is something God's been trying to teach me for a long time.  These kids are not mine.  They are His and I need to place them in His hands and leave them there.  Whether I'm here for another year, 5 more years, or the rest of my life.

I love Cedar so very much.  He is the one who taught me what being a mother really means.  He helped me learn what unconditional love looks like.  God has given me His love for this special little boy and although I know that Cedar has grown to love me, I think I can honestly say that I wouldn't love him any less if he didn't.

I know that I need to let go and fully give him to God though.  It is only then that I will truly be able to love him the way I am called to love him.  He is the Lord's, not mine.  I just get the immense privilege to have him on loan for a little while :)

I missed my silly little boy so much while I was away and am so incredibly glad to be back with him again.  I don't know how much longer God has for us to be together but I'm going to hold nothing back.  I'm going to love him with everything I've got for as long as I've got.

But I'm also going to remember Who he actually belongs to and do my best to leave him completely in those perfect hands.

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