Following the Call

One of the questions I get asked the most is how long I'll be in India and what my future plans are.

My answer has always been, "Until God calls me somewhere else."

Early this year I spent a lot of time praying about the future and got confirmation and peace about committing to stay at SCH until at least May/June of 2016.

While I hadn't gotten any direction beyond that, I somehow knew whatever happened next would be big.  I would either commit to being here for a much more significant period of time, or I would say goodbye and move on to whatever God had next.

Both options scared me.  A lot.

I prayed for an answer but nothing came.  Or so I thought.

It wasn't until I was in California this past May that I realized I had been asking a question but not really seeking an answer.  God was trying to get my attention and tell me something but I kept ignoring.  Deep down I knew what the answer was and I didn't want to face it.

I was scared to face it.

I finally started praying for real.  Truly seeking God's plan for my future.  Praying He would lead the way and give me unmistakable confirmation.

The answer came so very clearly.

June 2016 would bring an end to my time here in India.

I felt like someone had pinned me down under a huge bag of bricks.  It felt like the weight of that answer would crush me.  I couldn't even cry.

Yet underneath all that pain was a peace.  A deep peace that began to flood the innermost parts of me.  A peace from the Lord that made me know I was right in the center of His plan for me, even though it was hard.

Since then He has given me confirmation after confirmation.  He has answered my prayer above and beyond what I had hoped for.  I have no doubt I have made the correct decision, that I am following where God is calling.

All that said, it's still not easy to accept.  In fact it's the hardest thing in the world.  

Moving here was hard, but leaving will just about kill me.

It's difficult for me to admit, but I'm not okay.

I'm struggling.

I'm heartbroken.

I'm racked with guilt.

Some days I'm at peace knowing that God loves these kids more than I do and will continue to care for them when I am gone.

And then other days I feel like I'm abandoning them, just like their birth parents.

I feel guilty for leaving Nikki.  She and I have built a family and life here together and I'm leaving her with so many kids to care for.

I wonder why God would bring me here only to call me away again so soon.

I get angry that He would do this to me.  To Nikki.  To the kids.

I know it's the right thing but most of the time it doesn't feel like it and I can't see how.

But while I may be struggling and don't understand completely, God continues to send people to encourage me, speak truth to me, and lift me up in prayer.  Each day doesn't really get easier, but it brings a little more peace.

The same God who was with me as He called me to move halfway across the world, to an unfamiliar place, to a task I was not prepared or qualified for, is the same God who will be with me as I say goodbye and move back to California to start a new and scary chapter in my life.

And while I know it will be really hard on the kids and thinking about it breaks my heart, I also know He does love them more than I do.  He brought me here to care for them and He will make sure they're cared for when I'm gone.  They don't need me, they need Him.  And while I'll miss them more than I can even begin to express, I know they'll be okay because they have the most important thing: Jesus.

So I'm sure many of you are wondering what's next...

Well, in my time here God has given me a deep passion and desire to teach children with visual impairment.  In this past visit to California my eyes were opened to a lack of good resources and teaching for the blind there.  I want to change that.  I want to do something about it.

So while I'm going to school to become qualified to do so, I'm also going to try to find a job as an assistant or aide and begin working in that field (if you know of anything, let me know!).

I am incredibly excited but also terrified.

I'm going to be completely new at all the things most people my age started years ago.  I feel like I missed something important.  Like I'm starting really far behind.

I also become more and more aware every time I go back to the States of how much less I can relate to people there and how much more Indian I've become.  I don't quite fit anywhere anymore.

It is going to be an incredibly tough transition.

All that being said, I wouldn't change a thing.

God brought me here for a purpose and He is calling me back to California for a purpose.  I am incredibly blessed to have the privilege of serving Him wherever He asks and following Him wherever He leads.  I may not always understand but I do know that He is always good and His plans are always perfect.

And while I need to be thinking through things and planning, I also still have 9 months left here and I don't want to lose sight of that.  I need to be fully present here.  I have limited time and I don't want it to go to waste.

So I'm just going to keep taking it one day at a time, trusting God each and every moment.

His plans are good and He is faithful.

Blessed be the name of the Lord.