Love Comes Softly

The past few days I have been overwhelmed with love for Cedar (even more than usual) to the point of tears when I think about it too much.  Like right now as he is curled up in my arms in his little Ninja Turtle pjs, sleeping...

I love each of my kids so much my heart hurts.  I love them as if they were my own children.  To me, they are my children for as long as God will allow.  I loved them all before I even became their mom, but that feeling of them actually being my children and the special kind of love that comes with it came at different points in time with each one.  For some it came in the first week or two.  For others it took much longer - Cedar being one of those.  The wait was well worth it though!

In the first few weeks of being a foster mom, Cedar was the one I struggled with the most.  Sarah, who fostered with Nikki before I came, loves Cedar so deeply and so well.  He was, and still is, her boy.  When she and Nikki left to go back to Canada, Lily, Nolan, and Molly understood (at least somewhat) what was going on and I was able to help them through it as best I could.  Cedar didn't understand, but he knew one thing - his mama was gone.  He got sick in that first week and was constantly upset - hitting himself, crying, and banging his head on the floor.  It wasn't until he got better, and those behaviors continued, that we realized something else was wrong.  After ruling out the medical options, we finally realized he was acting out this way because Sarah was gone.  Even after Nikki returned in January, the problems persisted.  I started making it a point to spend a ton of time with him each day and while that helped a little, he was still nowhere near his normal self.

Cedar was a very sore subject to me for weeks.  My heart hurt for him and if I'm honest, my pride was a little hurt too.  I've never felt so helpless.  I felt like I had failed him.  The worst part of it all though was the feeling that I had also failed Sarah.  I can only imagine how hard it was for her to not be able to stay here with and for Cedar.  As hard as I'm sure it was, she entrusted him to me and I was unable to give her boy what he needed and really care for him well.  Even the progress she had made with him in the area of physical therapy had seemingly disappeared.  While he had been standing for up to 3 minutes and taking 4 or 5 steps at a time with Sarah, with me he was barely even standing and on a good day would maybe take 2 or 3 steps.

I was praying desperately for some sort of breakthrough and after around 5 or 6 weeks, it finally came.  Not a lot, but little things here and there.  For the first time since Sarah had left, he made progress in his walking, taking up to 7 steps at a time.  While the self-injurious behaviors continued, it was clear they had at least lessened.  For the first time, I had a glimmer of hope.

I tried to think of what I was doing differently to bring on these changes and then I finally realized - it was nothing that I was doing but what God was doing.  Through spending so much time with Cedar, God had been changing my heart.  Instead of seeing a boy I didn't understand and who had wounded my pride, I started seeing him as a boy created in God's image, precious to Him, and one that He had given me to be my son.  While nothing I was doing had changed, the reason I was doing it had, and somehow Cedar knew it and responded.

I'd like to say that from that moment on, everything has been great with Cedar but that is definitely not the case.  It has still been a tough road with him.  I'm still fighting.  The difference is, instead of fighting against him, I'm fighting for and with him.

Cedar's standing is just now almost back to where it was.  He still has not taken more than that 7 steps.  We're still working on it though and in the meantime he has really been growing in other ways.  He very rarely hits himself now and I have been working on re-directing him to clapping when he does and then praising him.  Now, about 50% of the time he is upset, he claps instead without me having to prompt it!

Nikki and I have started trading off doing little "preschool" activities with him each day and while he hated sitting and participating at first, he is getting much better as we practice stacking blocks and knocking them over, separating items like blocks and bowling pins, reading textured books, and stacking rings.

It is still mostly hand-over-hand stuff but we are looking forward to the day he can (and will) do these activities on his own.  We are also working on things like drinking water on his own (which he has now mastered!) and are now working on signing for more :)

Over all, Cedar is just much happier and interacting more with the world around him than I've ever seen before.  We got a mini trampoline donated and when we let him try, he came alive and was bouncing and giggling the whole time.  He is actually playing with toys instead of just holding them.  He is also scooting, crawling, or rolling to things he hears or to find balls that get away from him.

He is reacting to his name being called both when he is doing something he knows he's not supposed to (like chewing on his hand or starting to sit down when he's supposed to be standing) at which point he pretends he was actually doing something else, and also when I come in the room and call his name, he will perk up and smile, knowing I'm talking to him and will be over to scoop him up soon.

My favorite thing though is when he closes his lips and gives me a kiss.  He will only do it every once in a while (and now less as he has realized he gets a funnier reaction when he sticks his tongue out instead...) but when he does, it's my favorite thing in the world.

Our ayahs and Nikki love all the kids so much, but each has one that is special for one reason or another and that is particularly attached to them.  For example, the ayahs call Nolan "Nikki's son" and Dinah is "Ramana's daughter."  I haven't really felt that I've had that with any one of the kids in particular.  Then, a few weeks ago, Nikki and I came home from being out and one of the ayahs came up to me and said (in our Telugu/English/sign combination), "Tori sister, while you were gone your son was climbing around in the crib and being crazy instead of taking a nap!"  There was no doubt in anyone's mind (including mine) as to who my son was.  In that moment I realized that somewhere down the line, Cedar truly became my son.  My special one.  I can't tell you when it happened as it came on so gradually, yet there is no denying it.  He's my boy.

At first I think I fought it.  Cedar was Sarah's boy and if there was one thing I didn't want when I arrived was to be "Sarah's replacement."  That's one thing I could never live up to!  I didn't want to be compared to Sarah or feel like I had to be just like her.  The biggest thing that defined her was her love for Cedar so I decided that one of the other kids would be "mine."  Yet Cedar needed me and I now realize that I needed him too.  Yes, he is still very much Sarah's boy, but that doesn't mean he can't be mine too!

And he is.  I love him more than words can say.  Whenever I leave the house for more than a few hours, I can't wait for the moment I get to walk back into our home and hold each of my kids in my arms.  Yet, in the picture I have in my head as I think about it, Cedar is the one I'm holding.  At the end of a long day, there is no one I'd rather cuddle with and fall asleep next to.

I love each of my kids so much and I don't love Cedar any more than any of the others, yet somehow my relationship with Cedar is different, special.  In 5 weeks I will leave for a month and I know the thing I will long for the most is the feeling of Cedar curled up in my arms.

I still sometimes beat myself up about those first 2+ months and can't help but wonder if I could have done things differently.  If it might have been different for Cedar if I hadn't been so blinded by my wounded pride.  I am embarrassed to share this and in many ways ashamed of myself.  On the other hand, God is good and has redeemed what I have messed up.  I have learned that there is nothing I can give Cedar but the love Jesus has given me.  The rest will follow when there is unselfish, Christlike love that puts the other first.  When I think of Cedar's needs above my own (even my desire to see him reach goals), that is when I will see the most growth in him.  It may not be in the way I want to see it, but God's timing is perfect.  All I'm asked to do is love Cedar and put him first - the rest will follow.

I am still learning about Cedar and what loving him like Jesus looks like.  I am far from where I'd like to be but by the grace of God I'm closer than I was.

Cedar, loving you is the best thing that has ever happened to me.  You have taught me so much without even realizing it.  God is using you to touch many lives and I know He has even greater plans in store for you.  You are one special little boy and I am so grateful God gave me the gift of being able to call you my son.  I love you, my sweet boy, forever and always.