The Hard Things

Most people think the hardest part about being a foster mom to 11 special needs kids in India is just that - living in India and caring for 11 special needs kids 24/7.

Then they hear how I talk about my kids and India and how much I love it here and think that it must be easy for me.

Well that part is easy for me most of the time.  I love India and I love my kids as if they were my own.  Some days it is exhausting and sometimes I'm tired (like really tired).  But it is so worth it.  My life is beautiful and I love it.

But that's the easy part.

The Hard Things are the ones I don't talk about much.  Today, I need to talk about them though.  I want you to get an honest picture.  The other things I share are all true, but they're only half the story.

Instead of showing you the inspiring stories of victory, I'm going to give you a look at some of my daily battles, my weaknesses, greatest fears, and what I find hardest to put in God's hands and leave there.  The things that keep me up at night with tears in my eyes.

I've had a lot on my mind this week.  Around this time, as I begin to prepare for my month in the States, many of the emotions I push to the back of my mind for 5 months come jumping to the forefront and hit me hard.

That month I spend in the States is one of the Hard Things.

For 5 months I look forward to the next visit with my family and friends back in California and then the final month is spent partially excited and partially dreading the thought of it and all the questions it raises.  The thought of leaving my kids for a month also gets harder as the date gets closer.

I love and cherish every moment I get back in the States with my family and friends.  What makes it hard though is every time I go back to the States, the gap between me and the lives of the people I love gets wider.  I fit in less and less.  I've become a little more Indian and a little less American.  I also realize all the things I've missed.  Weddings, babies being born, my grandpa's funeral, my little sister's 16th birthday, and holidays with the family.

The people I love the most don't understand me like they used to.  They try their best, but they can't fully understand my life here and the things I struggle with.  In a way, they only know half of me now.

When I talk to people, I answer the same 5 questions hundreds of times and try to express things that I can never actually put into words.

I try to jump right back into life in California and then get hit with the reality that things will never be the same as they used to be.  Friendships have changed.  I've changed, they've changed, and we have a harder time relating to each other.  We live in different worlds now.

But while those transitions back and forth and changing relationships are Hard Things, there is a beauty in it too.  I have the privilege to love two places with all my heart.  God has brought two amazing groups of people into my life.  So in a way, I've got double blessings.  And yes, while it is hard, that is not the Hardest Thing or what has been relentlessly on my mind all week.

Another Hard Thing is fundraising.  Every 6 months I have to raise another $6000 ($1000/month) and while God has always provided, each time it gets harder and takes longer.  Fundraising is hard, but fundraising from overseas is even harder.  I also absolutely hate asking people for money.  I love getting people on board when it comes to my kids' needs but have a hard time when it's for my needs. 

I have been incredibly blessed by the support of so many amazing people over the past year and a half.  But to be honest, this time I'm having difficulty raising the funds I need.  I'm only at $280/month and still in need of the remaining $720/month.  And almost all of what I have is from people who have been sponsoring me monthly since the spring (a huge thank you to all my monthly sponsors!).

At this point I'm afraid my month in California is going to have to be spent fundraising just to get me through the next 6 months, so that is always in the back of my mind.

But at the same time, God has always provided and blessed me through so many people.  I know He'll take care of it again.  And as hard as fundraising is, and as much as it has been on my mind lately, it is definitely not the Hardest Thing either.

The Hardest Thing really has nothing to do with going to the States for a visit, but it's always something that hits me extra hard in the weeks surrounding that trip.

The Hardest Thing of being a foster mom to 11 special needs kids in India is not knowing what the future holds for my kids or what part I will play in it.

 And that is why I wake up with knots in my stomach and the reason I cry myself to sleep at night.

Most days I won't let myself think about it.  But it's been impossible to get out of my mind this week.

It is my biggest hope and prayer that one day my kids will get adopted.  I pray for it every single night before bed and every morning when I wake up.

But what if they don't?

That question haunts me.

And all of the possible answers I can think of scare me.

What if God calls me to stay here with them forever?  What if I will never live on the same continent as my family again?  What if He calls me to remain single too?

The thought of that scares me.  A lot.

But you know what scares me even more?  My greatest fear?

That God will call me somewhere else before my kids get adopted and I'll have to leave them.

There is nothing in the world that scares me more than the thought of leaving my kids alone.

My kids have been through so much.  They have more emotional trauma than I can even comprehend.  They struggle with so many attachment challenges.

Nikki and I are the most stable thing they've ever had.  The closest thing to family they've got.

They have formed healthy attachments to us - maybe their first.  They have learned to trust us when we say we'll always come back to them.

But what if I can't?

How in the world could I ever do that?!

It would be hard to say goodbye to them as they go off to a forever family.  But to say goodbye and leave them alone?  Or with yet another temporary situation?

It would devastate me.

The thought of it makes me feel sick.

I know I need to give it to the Lord and trust that He has a perfect plan.  I need to just take it one day at a time, be fully present in the here and now, and not worry about the future.

I need to give it over and trust.

It sounds so easy.

Those two things are so hard for me though.

I don't doubt that God has a perfect plan.  I know that I can fully and completely trust in Him.

I know it all in my head.

But as difficult as it is for me to admit this, I'm having a tough time with that right now.

I'm getting there but it's taking me a lot longer than these things usually do for me and probably a lot longer than it should.

So I have a request.  Would you please pray?

Would you please pray for me and all the other foster moms here, that those of us who are struggling with this would be able to give it over to the Lord and that He would fill us with peace as we do so?

And even more than that, would you please pray for my kids and all the other kids at SCH?  Please pray for those that have aged out of adoption, that they would have the closest thing to a home and stability as possible.  And please pray for the kids that are eligible for adoption, that God would move and put each one of them on the hearts of a forever family.  That we would see an incredible wave of families adopting kids with special needs and huge number of kids going home forever.

As for me, I'm going to keep praying and take it a day at a time.  I'm going to focus on the 6 months in front of me that God has revealed His plan for and leave the huge unknown after that in His hands.

Thank you to those who actually made it through this and kept reading.  And thank you to those who have been, and will be, praying.

Much love,

Tori

If you would like to help me financially for these next 6 months, I would greatly appreciate it.  You can do so by visiting my support page:  Tori's Support Page

Thank you!