Cedar.
My boy.
My boy.
Cedar and I have been through a lot together. The road has been a bumpy one. But I look at my little boy and where we are now and every little bit of it was worth it - and then some.
Back in April, I shared a lot of that journey and how Cedar became "my son" in my blog post, Love Comes Softly.
I just went back to read that post and tears came to my eyes as I remembered where we used to be and how far we have both come since then.
At the time I wrote that, Cedar had started attaching to me but I feel like he was still more my son than I was his mom.
Our relationship has grown so much since then.
Cedar knows me. He knows my voice and reacts when I come into the room. He used to put his fingers in my mouth almost constantly as if to try to figure out who I was but now he doesn't - he just knows. He and I share a bed and for a long time he just wanted his space to fall asleep. Now, he curls up against me every night and if I leave, he knows when I come back and will find me again - even if he's already sleeping.
Cedar used to confuse me so much. He was so unpredictable and on different days would react to the same situation in completely different ways. A toy or game he liked one day, he hated the next. I get him now though. I can almost always predict his reactions. I couldn't tell you how or why, but I just know. I know his cries, his laughs, his goofy noises, and what each of them means. I know when he wants a cuddle, and when he just needs a minute alone. And I know he loves me, even though he can't say it.
Cedar is a slow mover. A very slow mover. Sometimes it's hard to see the progress he's made because it is so gradual and over such a long period of time. That's why I'm glad I have things written down - I can look back and see where he's come in 6 months or a year rather than focusing on what he has (or hasn't) accomplished this week. And when I look at how far he has come in the past 7 months since I wrote that last post, I am truly blown away.
First off, after almost a year of working every day, Cedar has finally started walking!!
Sarah (Nikki's friend who fostered with her for 6 months before I came), poured hours a day into him and only towards the end of that time started seeing noticeable progress. She taught him how to stand and to pull himself up on his own. He took his first few wobbly steps with her. She walked with him through the hardest parts.
By the end of last December, he was taking a couple steps at a time and seeming to make good progress and then it all of the sudden stopped. For months, I saw no progress (like I said, he's a slow mover). Then it started coming again, little bits at a time. Every few weeks, a few more steps.
I can't even tell you the exact date Cedar really started walking. It was so incredibly gradual, I can't even remember. I just remember one day working with him and going, "Hey, I think we can say he's walking now!" Every day his walking gets stronger and he stands up to go places on his own more often. He still walks like a crazy man and we're working on walking in a straight line, but he's walking! ;)
I've also forgotten what he was like before he really played with any toys or moved around without prompting. I vaguely remember that he used to not play with anything and would stay in the same spot unless he was moved, but that seems like a different kid than the one I know now. Cedar is all over the place now! From walking to scooting to rolling, he is getting around the house and exploring. He most often finds the toy box and will dig and search till he finds one of his bowling pins, which for some reason are his favorite toys!
He has been frequently finding our little tepee tent this week and I have found him multiple times rolling around and laughing inside it.
He will sit up and play with me for up to 30 minutes without putting his hands in his mouth and without any stimming at all.
He is just all around more consistent and stable too. His moods aren't as unpredictable and he has a significantly less number of emotional spikes. He is a lot more mellow and happy now than I've ever seen him.
He is also making a lot of new sounds and I am working on getting him to use the "buh" sound to ask for his ball (one of his favorites). I will let him play with the ball for a little and then take it back, prompting him to make the "buh" sound. I will repeat it over and over and then once he says it, he gets the ball back. I only recently started this with him and he will make the "buh" sound almost every time. Most of the time there is a big gap of other sounds before he finds the right one though and I'm still not convinced it's not a coincidence. I really think he'll pick it up though, given some more time. Unfortunately, I have not been able to get it on video... Here he is playing with his ball a few weeks ago though. It may not seem like a big deal, but at one point I only dreamed about him playing like this.
Earlier today he and I were hanging out and then I put him down to do something else. He immediately started scooting towards me, whining "ma-ma-ma-ma-ma." I'm fully convinced the sound was a coincidence as he makes that sound a lot when he's upset, but I'm going to pretend for a little while that he was saying mama and calling for me! ;)
I've realized something this past month or two - my little boy is growing up. When he lost his two front teeth a couple weeks ago, I got the first case of the mom "my kids are growing up" sadness I've had since moving here. He's not a baby anymore (although he is still almost the size of one...). And while that makes me really sad, I look at how far he has come and ahead to where I see him going, and I am filled with joy. While I pray that one day Cedar will know what it's like to have a daddy and a mom that will be there for him forever, I know that his Heavenly Daddy is looking out for him and working amazing miracles in his life.
I am so incredibly blessed that God chose me to be Cedar's mama, if only for a little while. It is the best thing that has ever happened to me. While I am always striving to give Cedar the very best and do all I can for him, it is very clear that he has done way more for me than I could ever do for him.
My life is so much brighter because Cedar is in it.
Cedar, no matter what happens or where God takes each of us, a piece of me will always be yours. You have changed my life for the better and have pointed me to Jesus in more ways than you will ever know. I love you to the moon...
...and back.
First off, after almost a year of working every day, Cedar has finally started walking!!
Sarah (Nikki's friend who fostered with her for 6 months before I came), poured hours a day into him and only towards the end of that time started seeing noticeable progress. She taught him how to stand and to pull himself up on his own. He took his first few wobbly steps with her. She walked with him through the hardest parts.
By the end of last December, he was taking a couple steps at a time and seeming to make good progress and then it all of the sudden stopped. For months, I saw no progress (like I said, he's a slow mover). Then it started coming again, little bits at a time. Every few weeks, a few more steps.
I can't even tell you the exact date Cedar really started walking. It was so incredibly gradual, I can't even remember. I just remember one day working with him and going, "Hey, I think we can say he's walking now!" Every day his walking gets stronger and he stands up to go places on his own more often. He still walks like a crazy man and we're working on walking in a straight line, but he's walking! ;)
I've also forgotten what he was like before he really played with any toys or moved around without prompting. I vaguely remember that he used to not play with anything and would stay in the same spot unless he was moved, but that seems like a different kid than the one I know now. Cedar is all over the place now! From walking to scooting to rolling, he is getting around the house and exploring. He most often finds the toy box and will dig and search till he finds one of his bowling pins, which for some reason are his favorite toys!
He has been frequently finding our little tepee tent this week and I have found him multiple times rolling around and laughing inside it.
He will sit up and play with me for up to 30 minutes without putting his hands in his mouth and without any stimming at all.
He is just all around more consistent and stable too. His moods aren't as unpredictable and he has a significantly less number of emotional spikes. He is a lot more mellow and happy now than I've ever seen him.
He is also making a lot of new sounds and I am working on getting him to use the "buh" sound to ask for his ball (one of his favorites). I will let him play with the ball for a little and then take it back, prompting him to make the "buh" sound. I will repeat it over and over and then once he says it, he gets the ball back. I only recently started this with him and he will make the "buh" sound almost every time. Most of the time there is a big gap of other sounds before he finds the right one though and I'm still not convinced it's not a coincidence. I really think he'll pick it up though, given some more time. Unfortunately, I have not been able to get it on video... Here he is playing with his ball a few weeks ago though. It may not seem like a big deal, but at one point I only dreamed about him playing like this.
Earlier today he and I were hanging out and then I put him down to do something else. He immediately started scooting towards me, whining "ma-ma-ma-ma-ma." I'm fully convinced the sound was a coincidence as he makes that sound a lot when he's upset, but I'm going to pretend for a little while that he was saying mama and calling for me! ;)
I am so incredibly blessed that God chose me to be Cedar's mama, if only for a little while. It is the best thing that has ever happened to me. While I am always striving to give Cedar the very best and do all I can for him, it is very clear that he has done way more for me than I could ever do for him.
My life is so much brighter because Cedar is in it.
Cedar, no matter what happens or where God takes each of us, a piece of me will always be yours. You have changed my life for the better and have pointed me to Jesus in more ways than you will ever know. I love you to the moon...
...and back.
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