*This post is the 4th part of an ongoing series of letters to Brianna. Click here to read Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3*
Dear Brianna,
You continue to surprise and amaze me each and every day.
I'm starting to wonder how I ever lived before you came into my life. I love you more than I ever thought possible. I love you so much it hurts.
You have progressed a ton since moving in with us just over 6 months ago. Sometimes it is hard to see as the progress is slow but as I look back, it is definitely there.
In some ways we have seen huge change. You have gained strength, are sitting independently, standing with support, interacting with those around you, and over all are so much happier.
In other areas though the progress has been much less or practically non-existent. Eating continues to be a huge challenge and some days I wonder if we've made it anywhere. Another slow area has been in attachment. When I left for America a few months ago I wondered if you would even notice I was gone. You did show some signs of missing me though and definitely remembered me when I got home. You were also just happier when I returned home. That was encouraging and a good sign but still small.
I feel like this week has brought a breakthrough in that area though. All week you have decided to cry if I put you down or walk out of the room. Some nights you won't even lay down in bed without crying unless I'm holding your hand or you're curled up against me. While I'm writing this you're refusing to go to sleep and instead are standing up behind me leaning against my back (and now biting my back - thanks for that... :P).
You have started showing a preference towards me and interact more with me than anyone else. You know me. You know my voice and my touch. You have started to attach. And while that scares me it also fills me with joy. Because if you can attach to me, that means you can definitely attach to your forever mama. I pray for that mama every day. I know she's out there somewhere, I just pray she finds you soon. She's the luckiest woman in the world - she just doesn't know it yet.
Until she comes for you though, I pray you know how very loved you are here. I know you know I love you but there are so many others who love you too.
Nikki loves you and so do all 11 of your brothers and sisters. At night I used to sleep next to Lily but when you moved in you started sleeping between us. I thought Lily might get jealous but in fact she loves it! The other night you rolled over on top of her arm and instead of pushing you off, she wrapped her other arm around you and gave you a huge hug. You started giggling and the two of you stayed like that for a long time, both with giant grins on your faces. She adores you.
Your ayah, Laxmi, loves you so much and cares for you to the very best of her abilities. I can leave you in her care when I go out and know that she'll look out for you and take care of you well. Laxmi's sister, Usha loves you too. She will stop whenever she walks by just to pick you up and make you laugh.
This week we celebrated your 2nd birthday. Laxmi and another of our ayahs, Ramana, really wanted to make your celebration special so they spent hours decorating the house for your party. They wanted you to feel important and for everyone to know how loved you are.
All the children and ayahs from downstairs came up for your party as well as some of the volunteers. As we all sang "Happy Birthday" to you, sitting like a queen in your mass of decorations, I looked around and had to hold back tears. Last year your 1st birthday came and went without even a speck of recognition. This year your 2nd birthday was celebrated. You were celebrated, surrounded by people who love you and care about you. In that moment I thanked God for you and I thanked Him for bringing you to us so that you wouldn't have to spend another birthday alone.
There are many many people who love you, baby but more than all of us, He loves you. The King of the universe loves you and cares about you. He loves you so much more than I do, more than I ever could. He is the one who brought you here, who saved you, redeemed you, gave you hope. I pray that as you get older, that truth and that reality will stay with you always.
When you first came to us, you cried almost constantly and rarely smiled. This week we had a team visiting and after spending a few minutes with you one of the team members said, "She's such a happy baby!" That hit me. It made me realize that yes, you are a happy baby now. God's love has changed you and is changing you still. I am so incredibly blessed and grateful to be a small part of what He's doing in you.
This is only the beginning of His great and wonderful plans for you. I can't wait to see what the coming years will bring.
For now I pray you know these three things:
You are loved.
You are cherished.
You are special.
I love you so much, sweet girl.
Happy 2nd birthday.
Now please stop growing up!
All my love,
Tori amma
*To gain access to read this post with all of its adorable pictures, sign up for my email updates where you will get weekly (ish) emails with updates on our family and links to the photo versions of all my blog posts with the password. You can sign up here through this link: http://eepurl.com/bg3tH1*
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