More Than I Can Handle

The past couple of weeks have been tough.

Really tough.

I feel like things have been coming at me relentlessly - one after another.  Some days I feel like I don't even have time to breathe and others I wonder how I'll make it to bedtime without falling apart.

A few days ago I hit the bottom.  It may have been my lowest point since moving here.

I was tired.  I was emotionally spent.  I was done.

People always say God won't give you more than you can handle.  I disagree.

I think God very often does give us more than we can handle.  It's when we are facing more than we can handle that we truly have to rely completely on Him.  It's when we come to the end of ourselves that we see how much we need Him.

I've hit that point many times but this time was the hardest.

The past 2 years have been more than I can handle.  From the moment I said yes to God's call to India, I've been past myself and my own strength.

When I came I had no idea what I was doing and didn't have a clue how to give these kids what they needed.  From the moment I stepped on Indian soil though, God has provided.  He has given me everything I need to care for these kids.  I'm not even sure how I learned half the things I know now!  It has always been so clear to me when I'm working with my kids that it is all God and none of me.

Lately though I've been realizing how much I have still been relying on myself in other ways.

Often I rely on my own love for the people around me instead of letting God love through me with His love.

I've relied on my own patience (which I used to think I had a lot of!) instead of letting it come from Him.

I've relied on myself and my own resilience to make it through the stress of the day instead of letting Him fill me with His strength.

I've pushed on with sheer determination instead of letting Him fill me with His joy and peace.

In short, I've settled for surviving and making it through each day instead of letting God live through me in joy and love.

I've relied on myself for too long and these past few weeks when things have gotten extra stressful and hard, I found myself falling apart.

I ran out of patience and started being short with the kids.  I had no peace.  My joy came and went based on circumstance.  And I was terribly low in love.

Life was way more than I could handle.

It finally hit me in the face once again.  The thing my pride hates admitting the most:  I can't do it on my own.

I'd like to say I made it through and now all is good.  That I'm completely relying on the Lord and have my patience, love, joy, and peace back.

That's not entirely true, but I'm getting there.  Each day Jesus is teaching me to rely on Him more and more and each day is a little bit better.

With God's help I'm on the way back up.

I'm a little battered and bruised but I've learned a lesson.  It was one I thought I already understood but I see now how far I still have to go.  Once again I let my pride get in the way.  And while I'm sure I'll have to learn it a few more times before I get it, I hope and pray it won't take me so long next time to get things straight.

This isn't easy for me to admit and honestly, it really hurts my pride.  But if one person in the same situation is encouraged by reading this, it's worth it.

So to the ones who are feeling beaten down by life, the ones who are stressed by all that is on their plate, the ones who have run out of patience, the ones who have lost their joy, the ones who are feeling so tired they dread the thought of another day to make it through, this is for you:

Stop trying to do it on your own.

Don't let your struggles and shortcomings get you down, but rather let them bring you to where you should have been before - at the feet of Jesus.

Rely on Him for your strength, peace, and joy.  Sit and rest in His presence.  Let Him show you how much He loves you.  Allow Him to fill you up so you can continue to be poured out.

God will give you more than you can handle.

But He won't leave you to handle it alone.