A Cracked Vessel

"You are so brave! I could never have the courage to do what you are doing!"

As I talk to more and more people about where God is calling me right now and what the next 6 months hold for me, I hear the above response a lot.

And although it’s very encouraging and makes me feel good about myself, it has made me realize most people don’t know what’s actually going on inside me.

And that is my fault.

People think I'm brave and courageous - I'm not.

People think they could never do something like this - neither could I.

I’m nothing special.  I’m just a cracked vessel on whom God has placed a calling.  A calling much bigger than myself.

I'd like everyone to think I'm the strong, brave, courageous woman of God I wish I was.  I've let many think I am because it's easier than being honest.  It's easier than admitting to my weaknesses and sharing my many struggles, doubts, and fears - and it makes me look better.

But God has been teaching me lately that it's not only okay to have these struggles, doubts, and fears, but it is also good to share them.  If I don't share them, no one will see Him working in me.  If I don't share them, He can't be glorified through them and isn't that the reason He delights in using such cracked vessels as us in the first place?!

So here are some of my cracks - I pray as you see them for what they are, you would also see God working and shining through them:

I'm scared.

I'm traveling by myself to the other side of the world, to do something I know nothing about, in a culture completely opposite from all I've ever known, where everyone speaks a language I do not understand and did I mention I'll be by myself?  This is all completely out of my comfort zone and it scares me - a lot!

I'm hurting.

I left part of my heart in India and I can't wait to go back to the kids who hold it in their precious hands.  On the other hand, I know when I leave here I'm going to have to leave the other half of my heart behind with my incredible family and friends.  It hurts me to not be with those kids but it also hurts that I won't be able to spend Christmas with my family.  It hurts that I'm not going to be there for my choir class when they perform the play they've been working so hard on.  It hurts that I'm not going to be able to meet good friends for coffee or go shopping with my little sister for such a long time.  It hurts loving two places and two sets of people so much that I feel like my heart is being torn between them.

I'm afraid.

I'm afraid I won't love the kids like they should be loved.  I'm afraid I won't know how to help them.  I'm afraid I won't be able to give them all that they need.

I'm nervous.

I'm nervous I won't be able to do what is being asked of me.  That because of my lack of experience and strength, I won't accomplish anything worthwhile.

I'm worried.

I'm worried that when I come back home, the people I know and love will have moved on.  I'm worried those relationships won't ever be the same.  I'm worried I won't belong here anymore.  I'm worried I won't belong anywhere anymore...

These are just a few of my many cracks and I'm slowly learning I shouldn't be hiding these weaknesses, but I should let people see them so my King can shine through.

I'm not perfect and that's okay.

I may be full of cracks, but I am also full of the One who is perfect and He is where I find my strength, my joy, my peace, my purpose, my hope, my value, and my life.

Yes, I'm struggling, but I'm going to come out the other side of this looking a little more like Jesus than I did before.  He is growing and refining me into His image.  

And through all these struggles, He has given me joy.  Joy like I've never known before.  A dream and desire God put inside of me many years ago is being fulfilled.  A giant hole in my heart is being filled to bursting.  I know I am walking in God's plan for my life and there is nothing more rewarding and fulfilling than that!  

Nothing.

I am exactly where He wants me to be - cracks and all!

So what about you?

Are you afraid of doing what the Lord has called you to do?

Are you struggling with where He has you right now?

Are you worried if you surrender all, your world will be turned upside down?

Are you scared of what the future holds?

You are not alone.

You may have fears and doubts - that's okay.  What matters is what you do with them.  Are you going to let them keep you from doing what God has called you to do?  Or are you going to bring them to the feet of Jesus and ask Him to walk with you through the struggles so you may come out the other side a little stronger and looking more like Him?

God has put a calling on your life.  He wants to shine through your cracks.  Do not let fear hold you back.

God's way is rarely the easy way but it is always the best way!